Mixed Emotions

Today has been a trying day. Have you ever wanted something so bad but you just weren't sure whether it was the right thing or not?

A few weeks ago I found out about a beautiful old victorian house that was going to be sold at public auction. It is exactly the house of my dreams. Big rooms with high ceilings, fireplaces in nearly every room, beautiful woodwork, lead glass doors, and a charming wrap around porch. It even had a little land and an inground pool. I mentioned to Darren that it was going to sell and that I really liked it. Turns out he really liked it, too, and someone in his family used to own it. We studied our options, talked to the bank and went to look at it. I absolutely fell in love with it. I could envision raising my children there, decorating it for Christmas, and hosting gatherings, doing all the things that families do.

The auction was this morning. We already knew how high we could go but something else was brought to our attention that would have allowed us to go a bit higher than we had planned. Another party was interested in part of the land that we didn't want and we could most likely make a deal with them. We were the first bid in and for a time we were the high bidder but then another party started bidding and I was afraid to go any further. You see, I'm not a risk taker. I am very resisitant to change and I am a planner. I want to know how everything is going to work and in what time frame. Darren was upset with me and accused me of letting my fear hold me back. And he may be right, but on the other hand, sometimes I'm not sure he has enough fear. That's probably why God put us together. Anyway, it sold for $1,000 over our last bid.

I've spent all day questioning myself. My heart says I made a big mistake but my head tells me I did the right thing by backing away. I had thought about it a lot and prayed about it a lot and I just couldn't be sure that it was the right thing to do. As badly as I wanted it, I wasn't willing to risk everything to have it. My heart is sick but my head tells me that God has provided a roof over my head (and it's a nice roof, even) and that we just really weren't in the right place in our lives to do this right now.

Oh well, what's done is done. It's just kind of sad and I hate second guessing myself.